Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
