I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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