I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
