Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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