i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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