Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize