I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
