i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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