I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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