i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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