I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
