Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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