im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
