Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
