my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
