If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
