Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
