I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Still dying that you shit outside
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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