I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
