On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
