Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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