so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
