He asked to "fluff my boner.."
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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