shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
