So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
