i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
no you cant smoke seaweed
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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