I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
