so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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