Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
