He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
