How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
