I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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