The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
