you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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