You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
