My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
