Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
In America we eat man semen.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
