dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
