I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
