I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
