i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
