Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
