...so i touched it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize