I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
