He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
