Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
