No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
