She is in my trunk
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need a beard to bite.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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