the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there's paper in my vomit.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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