You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
