there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize