Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
