The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
