I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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