My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
