Tell her she can't have a vagina
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
