I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im holly from the hills drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
