I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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