i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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