I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
