he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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