So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
