We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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