Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
